Does anyone really know what they want in a relationship? I didn’t, in the beginning. I just knew that what I wanted was A relationship, I was to discover that it’s neither easy nor simple and you need to know exactly what you want out of something that can be so challenging, yet rewarding at the same time. If not, it becomes tedious, miserable and it will crash like a kamikaze plane.
My very first boyfriend was at the age of 18. I never had a boyfriend in high school (well I kind of did, but I don’t classify them as boyfriends, if I look back on it now.)
I was 17 and decided to get my first tattoo, I ended up going to this guy and I developed a huge crush on him. He was your typical bad-ass musician, who happened to be a tattoo artist and the charm and sex appeal oozed out of every pore in his skin. He, being 12 years older than me, didn’t even give me a second glance. Until two years later....
At the age of 19, I decided to start my sleeve, because I had the cash so I ended up going back to him. Well, he had obviously realised that I had grown up, lost some weight and I obviously sparked interest within him. I will admit, that sitting in that chair for two hours was torture, as the chemistry went off the charts. I’m not one to make moves, so I ignored it, paid and left. A couple of days later I get a friend request on Facebook and a flirtacious message and it all went down hill from there....
After spending every waking minute in his company, in his tattoo shop and in his bed, it never really went anywhere. That’s all we really had and if I may be honest, he was my first, which didn’t help the situation one bit. After realising it was not a healthy situation for me to be in, I ended it. He didn’t seem to phased, of course he wouldn’t have been, come to think of it and I spent two days in bed, only to get up to puke all of my insides out. I was emotionally distraught and heartbroken. Not being able to distance myself, we tried the ‘friends-with-benefits’ scenario which never works and I ended up feeling dirty and whorish every time. That too, ended very quickly.
Despite the above, my beloved ex provided me with the basic structure and lead me in the right direction of discovering what I really want in a relationship. (Whether he knows this or not, he probably doesn’t). It took me about three years to get over him completely and when the revelation hit, I was able to sit back and re-evaluate the situation, I was able to talk to him again and we are still friends to this day. Yes, we still go on with each other, but nothing is meant from it, that’s just how we are (If he means something out of it, then he’s going to be sadly mistaken, but I highly doubt it). It’s a great feeling when you can learn to forgive someone (even if they don’t need forgiveness, you’re just convinced they f*cked up), and you are able to remain good friends. I have tried to be supportive towards him and he appreciates it, as I do still care about him, he was a huge influence once upon a time. So, if he’s reading this, thanks for the ‘potty training’ ;)
The second ex – this oke needs to be put down, in all honesty. A self-kept secret druggie, he took me for every ride available. On our 3 month anniversary he told me he needed to work, which was understandable, so I let it be and didn’t argue. I get approached by his best friend the next day, informing me that he never went to work, he went to Claremont and ended up taking some other chick home. He also told me that he felt it right to inform me, if my ex didn’t (To you-know-who-you-are, thank you!). Well, things obviously ended very quickly there, not much more to say. He is still in the same routine, approaching 30, living with his parents and hopping from job to job. Good luck, um with your, life?
Right, the 3rd (and last, presently), happens to be the one I learnt the most from. Although the first ex provided the structure, this oke provided the building materials. Both young and looking for a relationship, we eagerly entered a doomed partnership (we just didn’t know it). I will say I did love him and he was my best friend, and yes, I miss that, just not him. If we are allowed to hold onto the bad memories, we have to remember the good ones too, in all fairness. The first year went relatively great, no hassles as we were both sussing each other out still. From the second year, the shit hit the fan and neither of us wanted to break it off, as we were too comfortable in each other’s beds and each other’s lives. We had absolutely nothing in common. The odd musician, yes. That’s it. He believed in God, I didn’t. That, is a big enough problem as it is. Arguments galore. He loved gaming and computers, I didn’t. I loved piercings, tattoos and Marilyn Manson, he detested all of the mentioned and we had numerous screaming matches because he would not ALLOW me (notice the allow) to get tattooed, while I was with him. Eventually I gave up on that argument and became bitter and that is when I slowly but surely, started resenting him. I was not allowed to be who I was in our relationship, yet he could play cricket every Saturday and I would enthusiastically support him, no matter what. I don’t get it, but moving along....
We reached a stage in the second year, where I was becoming miserable and unhappy, and I had numerous chats with him, telling him I would possibly end it. Out of those 50-odd chats, I attempted this twice, but without fail, we ended up back together because I was not granted the space I needed to get over it and we were both too afraid to be alone. So this bitter and twisted cycle went on and on until one day, he sat me down and told me (in an indirect way) that he doesn’t want to be with me but he doesn’t want to break it off. Well, the KA-CHING! sign went off in my head and I took the gap and ran. We parted on mutual and mature terms and everything seemed to be good, for the first two weeks. As usual, you will have one immature party within a break up and the following months of your freedom become a living nightmare. The best part was eventually sleeping with someone other than him, you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and eventually you can go on your own way and get on with it. Luckily, the shit settled and we never speak to each other. Which is the way it should be, I reckon. I wish him all the best with whatever he plans to do with the rest of his life and I hope he can find what he’s been looking for, since he couldn’t find it with me. Likewise.
So, from the first relationship I learnt that I want stability, trust and commitment (which it lacked). From the second, I learnt that you should never tolerate cheating, get out! Don’t settle for second best and if your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong with the oke, go with it! You couldn’t be any more right.
The last relationship, I learnt that you need to stand up for yourself, in the respect of who you are and what makes you happy. If he/she doesn’t like it, there’s the door. This is when I started adapting FIFO (Fit In Or F*ck Off) and it really hasn’t done me any harm. Self-preservation; look after yourself before anyone else, especially if you are miserable. Leave. You cannot live unhappily because you feel bad for that other person and how they will be hurt, you really won’t ever be happy then. They will be unhappy, but you can’t be held responsible for that. It takes a hell of a lot of adjustment and I have never been so scared in my life to be alone, but get past that first month and you’ll never look back. I am having the best time of my life at the moment, that sometimes I find it weird that I’m so happy all the time. You know you’re doing good, if you reach that stage.
From every relationship, you learn something and you take something with you. I will say, my next one will probably work really well, having grown up and realised where the faults lie within me. Let’s hope I get the chance to prove that to the next lucky bugger ;)
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