A couple of nights ago, a friend and I were bbm’ing each other and having one of our random conversations that we have on a constant basis. (Normally humorous topics or a catch-up session.) I was talking to him about the disappointment I constantly endure when it comes to men and he was obviously giving me support and his opinion, mixed in there somewhere.
Anyway, he happened to mention that it would be incredible if we could choose and/or design our own mates, not to mention the absolute perfection of that idea, but it sounds so easy and so to-the point.
I sat for a couple of minutes trying to imagine what type of male (I’m talking about looks now, that’s the first department to consider) I would choose. I told him that I would probably choose a Rob Zombie lookalike, BUT he had to be incredibly soft and sweet, which might backfire because those two things don’t seem to go together naturally. Like chalk and cheese. SYSTEM FAILURE (with red lights and sirens going).
He, with a life-long obsession for a skater boy pop star, said he would choose her and if I can remember correctly, he would make sure she could actually sing properly.
After this conversation, it got my mind thinking. Would I really want a male that looked like a biker and probably hasn’t shaved his facial hair since his band started, ten years ago? Probably not. I love his figure and his tattoos (two full sleeves), I’m not really sure what his face actually looks like.
So, the first choice would be Rob Zombie’s figure and his tattoos.
Hair colour, I’m not too phased about. I tend to like guys with dark hair, but every boyfriend I have had have all been blonde, strangely. So, let the hair be a random system shuffle.
Eye colour – must be blue or green, at least. I don’t really know what it’s like looking into brown eyes, so I’m going with what I know right now.
Height – He HAS to be taller than me or at least the same height. I could never see myself dating someone shorter than me, it would just feel too weird...
Now, to the interesting yet challenging part. The mind, personality and the overall impression.
(Let me just add that I will not be constructing a completely perfect partner, that in itself is too boring and I’d probably try to sell him on gumtree after a few days. I need a challenge, so if this opportunity did arise, I’d have to strategically think this out so that I wouldn’t have to go back to the drawing board.)
Now, firstly I would make sure that he has AMBITION and DIRECTION. (Somewhere in his childhood or even his teenage years, I would like to know he had a strict (but fair) guardian or parental figure who pushed him to want to do the best he could, in general and career wise.) I hope there is a ‘tattoo artist’ career option on the list.
Secondly, he MUST BE A FAMILY MAN. To decide whether he must come out the box ready to settle down or not, would be another difficult situation. At this point in time, not just yet, but those thoughts must be implanted in his brain, for future use. (Oh and he must be prepared for more than two kids, that’s important).
Thirdly, he must be musically inclined, playing an instrument would be beneficial and even a bonus, but I don’t want a reject product where I ordered ‘Rock/Alternative/Metal’ and instead got ‘Trance/House’. I will send it back, unpackaged and in pieces and even demand a refund. So, the music is probably vitally important. I don’t want to have to have a fight about the music selection, while I am playing back-seat driver in our family car, with three baby seats in the back. That’s too much to deal with. Neither do I want to have to organise a weekend baby sitter because my ‘husband’ wants us to attend a trance party, coming home as dirty as imaginable and expecting me to wash ‘hippy dirt and sweat’ out of his tye-dye. No thank you.
Fourthly, his PERSONALITY. Since I like to think I have one (and a sense of humour), I’d like him to be able to at least appreciate it, if all the other departments malfunction. So, we need to be similar in that area. I would choose the ‘relaxed, funny but serious at times too’ button. Everything can’t be shits and giggles all the time, that would annoy the crap out of me.
MORALS, RESPECT AND MANNERS would be the next category to choose from and I’d make sure that this category has a description of ‘Mother and father brought him up properly, to respect women and to look after his family properly, to the best of his ability’. Fine print can be a b*tch. Always check it, I’ve learnt that the hard way.
The buttons I will be clicking marked with a huge, red X will be: Alcoholic, drug addict, hippie, vegetarian, slob, jock, sports fanatic, feeder, abusive, aspiring-rock-star-at-30, gambler, mommy’s-boy, cheater, religious-fanatic, emotionally-detached, inflatable-ego, computer-gamer, financially-selfish, stingy, cheesy-romantic, clingy. (I’m sure there would be more imaginative options, I can’t think of any, since the list isn’t in front of me.)
The buttons I’ll be clicking with a huge, green tick will be: Positive, charming (towards me), motivated, outgoing, some-interest-in-arts-such-as-music-or-literature, caring, friendly, people-person, honest, good-in-the-bedroom, romantic-to-a-degree, good-kisser, child-friendly, friends-and-family-friendly, interesting-in-all-aspects, spontaneous-in-a-good-way, supportive, tattooed, similar-interests-to-me, good-cook, handy-man-of-all-sorts, hygienic and clean.
Now, those aren’t that difficult to ask for, so I can start to see the reality in this whole process, well the above part anyway. We’d be so lucky to have a Chinese factory that pumps these specimens out at an hourly rate. Forgive me if the above seems superficial and rude, but that’s what I would choose, if I could. Looking at it now, it seems too perfect, so maybe I’ll have to choose the ‘picks-nose’ button or even the ‘scratches-his-balls-occasionally’, I’ll have to think those over first. This also sounds similar to me sitting over my computer and playing the SIMS, come to think of it.
Anyway, there you have it and with ideas like these, it can lead you to think of numerous interesting things, something to distract you from the everyday-tedious routine we experience in life. It can even give you something to talk about at an awkward braai, where no one seems to be enjoying themselves.
Hopefully after you’ve read his blog, I will have planted this seed in your brains with the use of my words and my ideas and get you thinking on how you would design your ‘partner’. (Please remember they won’t be inflatable nor will they be plastic). It could also help you to realize what you look for in a person, which you might not have known before. How good am I!
Sadly, no person out there will possess ALL of the above positives, they are more likely to possess ALL of the negatives.
Remember to read the fine print, go through your selection and double-check, check the equations and the formulas, as well as keep the receipt, you might just have to demand that refund and send it back ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment