The one that didn't get away

The one that got away. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say that I have met anyone who has made me so excited or scared to be around them. Only 22, I’ve had a handful of experiences and none of them really worked out. I don’t think I could say that I have ever fallen for anyone badly either.  The type of fallen that you don’t even want to comprehend if you can’t be with them; you’d rather not tap into those emotions for safety of your unravelling.

I met him about 4 years ago on a usual Suzi Q’-teenage drinking spree. Don’t ask me how it happened, but we randomly started sucking face in the corner. Hot, with dreadlocks, this oke was probably every teenage girl’s fantasy and I was pretty chuffed. We hooked up again a while later, he just randomly approaching me and pulling in. (I didn’t remember that, until he reminded me).

To cut a long story short,  17 and 21, too young, it never went anywhere, as much I hoped it would and we both ended up going our own separate ways; he – to America and I – meeting my now ex boyfriend. Heart broken and bruised, I got over it and went on with my life.

4 years later, recently single and completely different to what he knew, he started chatting to me on Facebook. (I really do wonder how many times Facebook has been mentioned in a wedding speech).

After 4 years, a break-up from each side and the same music interests, we clicked. Clicked like two magnets being forced apart. Conversations went on for four hours at a time, we just had so much to say to each other and talk about.

We both realised that we had grown up, matured a bit and kind of knew what we wanted and expected from life, strangely we shared everything from similar experiences, thoughts, goals, opinions and a general attitude towards life. It was like talking to a male version of me, completely intriguing and fascinating.

We started chatting in March, with 7 months left until he returned home from working overseas. He probably doesn’t know this, but I would sit on Facebook when I knew he would be online and I would wait, with the hope of being able to talk to him, because he made my day.

Although I do well in college, I also put my college work aside on numerous occasions because I was hooked and chats that ended at 3am, left me tired and dysfunctional the next morning on a 6:30am train, but I couldn’t have been more happier.

We eventually went up one notch; skype. Bare in mind we hadn’t seen each other in four years, so skyping with someone who still gave you butterflies after four years, was nerve wracking. Thankfully, he was just as nervous as I was and it went well, 2 hours well, random-no pressure conversation. Skype became a weekly thing and I looked forward to it more than he knows.

I let it consume me and I ended up getting in too deep. Him being overseas didn’t make the situation any easier and I struggled with the fact that ‘this’ could just be another situation where I would walk away disappointed, hurt and heart broken, again. I didn’t want to tell him how I felt because I was scared and I didn’t see the point in it. What could be done anyway?

After 5 months of chatting and literally living on Facebook, he approached me and told me that he and an ex of his was going to try to work things out. We’d always said we would be honest with each other and although, at the time, I didn’t look at it like I do now, I was extremely hurt and I felt as if someone had thrown me into the wall, three meters behind me. Instead of freaking out and causing a scene, I let him and ‘this’ go quietly, trying to show dignity and respect, while I suffered internally for a week. We weren’t together and he didn’t owe me anything, so I suppose I really didn’t have the right to be angry. I was just hurt because I thought it could have gone somewhere, eventually. He had the balls to tell me. He could of chosen not to and I would have been none the wiser.

A week later, and not at his normal Facebook login time, he came back. Apologising. It hadn’t worked out for the two of them. Now, I could have said: “F*ck you” and quickly clicked the ‘unfriend’ button on Facebook, but I didn’t. Something wouldn’t let me and I didn’t see the point of being nasty. People make mistakes and even if we just remained friends after it all, it would be better than dislike and another burden added to a list I am trying to clear.

After a tearful skype session and an emotional break down from his side, I decided to keep him in the picture. I think I played this pretty well, actually. I never let me guard down and my expectations of him were never revealed. I would give him another chance, but he would have to prove to me that he was truly sorry and that if he wanted to continue this, he wouldn’t pull a stunt like this again, if he hoped for ‘us’ to go any further than friends at some point. I just kept quiet, showed no emotion and spoke to him when he messaged me.

I wasn’t overboard friendly. I felt I had the right not to be. I know this sounds bad, but he was lucky I even left him on Facebook friends list. 

It was awkward for a while and the conversation died for a bit. I didn’t make any effort and I think he picked up on that, backing off a bit with his tail between his legs.

In a sense, this situation grounded me. It brought me back to reality, harshly ripping me out of the ‘fairy tale’ I was unhealthily living in. In a way, it was probably a good thing. A reminder to me that I shouldn’t get too wrapped up in something that possibly needs to wait until it’s standing in front of me.

Nothing was said and everything was beaten around the bush, until ‘that’ conversation happened to unravel and I laid it down; the trust had to be rebuilt, if you are as sorry as you say you are and if I mean as much to you as you say I do, you need to prove it. He promised he would do just that. I trusted him with whatever trust I had left, but still cautious and my self-preservation defences weren’t convinced just yet. I couldn’t let go, as much as I would look like an idiot if it didn’t work out. I needed to see if it would and I was willing to go through it all to prove either way right.

Three and a half months left before he comes home, I have realised that there really isn’t anybody else out there that could match what he means to me. I don’t see him in anyone else and I am not interested in giving someone else a chance until I know for sure where this will be going. Up until last night, we weren’t sure of where this was going or what either of us thought or felt. After a skype session that lasted all night and instant messaging that went on until  4am, I managed to tell him how I felt; I dig you, I’m willing to wait until you come home, I see it’s more than worth it, we could be great. Mutual feelings.

There is nothing better or nothing that makes me more happy than seeing him mention me in a status or seeing him call me his ‘girl’. ‘Baby’ makes my stomach drop. It’s just become natural and I can’t say I have ever felt this way about anyone before. Yes, it’s an online love-affair, but because we have had history and I personally know him, I believe it’s possible. I have worried that ‘this’ could be so great right now but come down to being in person with each other, it just might bomb. He has reassured me that if we can do this for 7 months and keep it going like we have, in reality will be a walk in the park.

After last night’s conversation, I am happy to say that we are on the same page. We both feel the same way about each other and when he does come home, we are going to give it a shot, the right way. First date, second date, third date, fourth date. Old school, 1950’s style. I will never forget what he said to me last night: “I’m at war, you are my sweet heart waiting for me at home.”

I know a lot of people think we are crazy, this won’t work, we are going overboard. We’ve planned our life together before it has begun. It could be a bad thing, but it could be a good thing because I really wouldn’t do any of it without him. Ramfest, road trips to Durban and my first trance party. I’ll endure a weekend of trance for him any day.

 For once in my life, I actually don’t care what anyone thinks. My friends were all there for me when the shit hit the fan and I appreciate it more than they will ever know. Unfortunately they can only associate my pain and what he did, with him as a person. I hope to be able to rectify that in 3 months and show them the type of person he really is. They all think I’m crazy for being ‘second best’, if ‘second best’ is what I really am at the end of the day, I can walk away looking back saying that I will never forget what I thought we had, it was more than good enough for me.

I don’t need to prove myself, him or ‘us’ to anyone, I’ve realised that recently. If it makes us happy, by god I am going for it, running for it like Forest Gump. My friends are all supportive and mostly male and I love all of them so much, I appreciate their input and their concern, even the threats and the death ideas they came up with to cheer me up at the time. I hope to be able to be there for them if they ever needed it, like I did.

I do worry that I won’t be good enough for him, a worry I have never experienced in my life. I still get butterflies when he posts on my wall, inbox’s me or even just messages me. In the beginning, I thought I would probably have died of shyness and a blushing problem had he arrived on my doorstep. Today, f*ck all of that, we’ve been through too  much together.

He bought me a ticket to go see the Used for my birthday. After telling him that I couldn’t afford It and that I probably wouldn’t be going, he got me on skype and bought it while chatting to me. The best thing anyone has ever done for me, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I appreciate the thought even. We ended up having problems with the collection because he was the card holder. Instead of saying: “See if you can sort it out on your side”. He spent his entire day off phoning Computicket in South Africa sorting it out and eventually we got to the finishing line. Just the pure fact that he took the trouble to do that, shows how much I mean to him and that he is truly and honestly prepared to prove it to me.

Romance isn’t dead, as I cynically thought previously. He promised that he would show me that. I look forward to the day when I log onto Facebook and my ‘single’ status has changed to ‘in a relationship with...’, I don’t think I could ask for anything better right now in my life. This whole experience to me is new, new feelings and the depth of how much you can truly want to be with someone, is totally unexplored. Although he is a 28 hour flight away, I am enjoying every minute of it, we’ve been through a lot and we are still going forward. He makes my day, he makes me smile and he knows how to cheer me up. We keep each other going.

He means the world to me and being able to call him 'my babe, my boy', leaves my head spinning endlessly. Time is flying, it was like yesterday that he first messaged me and I can’t wait for the day when my front door bell rings and he’s standing in my front yard, with that smile that pulls all the stitches in my heart, tightly back together.