When being with someone, you’re supposed to feel that no one else out there will ever reach the level of ecstasy they provide you with. You shouldn’t even have to fight for them, nor them fight for you because anything that can potentially get in the way is out of the question from the start and you don’t even consider having to get those defences ready and armed. Something I am unused to.
Everything crosses your mind, from marriage to kids, careers and even death. If you can see yourself being with that person for the rest of your life, without any doubts popping up like speech bubbles, you know you have every right to be with that person.
Unfortunately, along with all these happy thoughts come the ones that are forced into your reality and you have to prepare yourself in case. What if my entire happiness ends by a phone call; death? I know this isn’t something everyone wants to particularly hear, but reality is reality and tragically many people in love have had to deal with it. Look at Romeo and Juliet – they killed each other figuratively and ended it literally. Heathcliffe from Wuthering Heights; he lost his soul mate to another man and she ended up making her way back to him in the form of dying in his arms in the rain, leaving him with the pain of knowing that she never really left him, she was only departing in her last moments. He let himself die and he didn’t rest until he took his own life, colour and happiness instantly appearing in the last scene.
Nothing has touched me more than Wuthering Heights. The connection two people can have, in it’s own way can be tragic. That, to me is romance. Not these silly chick flicks where the high school nerd finally ends up with the pop, that’s just alcohol-induced romance where he looked good at a frat party and luckily for him, he obviously had the moves in bed to keep her interest. Happily ever after for those people. To me, true romance shouldn’t involve a happy ending. One of the two is going to die one day, it is inevitable and the fact that these two people are willing to spend the rest of their lives together until tragedy strikes, is true romance. They both know they will be taken away from each other at some stage.
Your perception of these things change as soon as you find someone you don’t ever want to lose. In my previous relationships I never made the most of what we had together because they never made me feel the way I do today. Today I want to make the most of every moment leading up to the point where I or he has to go on without the other. I’d be happy to just sit and stare at him all day or stay up all night because I am too scared to lose another day with him.
When someone’s partner dies, you wonder how it all works afterwards. I know this is going to sound so stupid, especially coming from Miss Cynic herself, but do you ever wonder if the one who has passed away ever stays with the other? Stays in a sense of being around them all the time, whether they know it or not. I don’t know if I believe in heaven and I don’t really know where we go after we die, but it makes me wonder if it’s possible to be a part of that other person even after death? You are, through their mourning and longing, but I mean in a spiritual sense? (Think Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense; when he realizes he is dead after seeing his wife holding his wedding ring). I know that if I had to die today, I would make every effort possible to be able to be around Daniel, whether the gods, angels, demons let it happen or not. Either that, or I will irritate him in his dreams, every night. If I did have to die, I’d run the show from where ever I went afterwards, knowing my adamant and bossy personality. I suppose those are what guardian angels are for? I’ll retrench his and take over, make it a deal it wouldn’t refuse. A better salary and a better suite closer to God’s luxury one. I’d even play matchmaker from behind the scenes. I would want him to move on and meet someone else, except I would have a bigger playground to audition suitable candidates. I can imagine myself sitting with the other ‘angels’ in front of it all, like men do so tensely in front of the television when an important sports match is on. We’d take bets that they would get together and we would scream and shout if he ended up marrying her. That’s how I imagine it could be. I’d be his conscience and hopefully my voice will fill his head when he is faced with something he doesn’t know which way to approach. Nightmares as punishment for not listening to my ‘voice’ and dreams, letting him know I’m still there and proud of him. I’d have to do a casting for other angels when and if he ever had kids with this other women, appoint them to look after something I would have wanted to share with him had I still been around. Running the show until he is on his own death bed and we can catch up over a cup of coffee from God’s expresso machine.
My heart sinks when I think of all of this being ripped away from me. I think I would pack up my shit the day after the funeral and I would just disappear. No one would know where I was going and they wouldn’t hear from me for a while. I would do a ‘Into the Wild’ mission, letting myself either die from hyperthermia or nature itself. I suppose that is why couples have children too. It’s insurance that they will have a piece of the other person if something was to happen to one of them. You always hear these stories of these couples who are truly meant for each other and the husband/boyfriend dies, a week later she finds out she is pregnant. To me, that in itself is a gift. Being able to see that other person in something you created, watching it grow up and make it’s own decisions and the fact that you know he/she, watching from where ever they are, would be proud of every step you took to keep your connection alive.
Although this is so soppy and probably puke material, these thoughts tend to cross your mind when you no longer have to face daily life by yourself. Having a best friend who naturally crosses your mind when anything happens is something to feel privileged about. I physically miss him, if I can describe it in that way. Not in a horny sense, let’s leave that a closed discussion in this, but feel like I can actually feel him, I physically feel and miss him. He’s gradually become part of my thought process and while I am trying to decide how to structure a news story, his face is pinned up on the notice board in my mind, hanging above my ‘computer’. I wake up with him on my mind, I go to sleep with him on my mind. I ask myself what he would do if he was in this situation? WWDD? (Let’s leave Jesus out of this for a minute). When I go out with friends, I imagine what it would be like to look over at the bar and see him smiling at me, what would he do if he was with me when some other guy wouldn’t leave me alone? Obsessed might be a way to describe it, but I like to think of it as something a little less more dodgy . Being in love is practically being obsessed with someone else who compliments you and knows what you are going to say before you’ve even said it, cheesily completing each other’s sentences. 95 days until I won’t really have to say anything to anyone else in person because he will say it for me, until I get to wake up next to him every morning, until I’ll be willing to just stare at him and not expect him to even notice that I am in the same room. The count down to one day left is what’s pulling me through a hectic college schedule and not having my partner in crime with me on most occasions. Getting to see him on my laptop screen every night makes my day and after a stiff drink, I’m relaxed like a dead limb. Getting a message from him makes my heart fly like a roundhouse-kick. Hearing him say “I love you baby” makes my stomach go crazy like a manic preacher. He is my biggest fan. I love you babe, I know you’ll read this, since you are probably the only one who religiously follows my blogs. You're my homie and no one will swagger like us ;)
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